Real Life: From the Diaries: Surrender

Bit of a long post today but I'm just putting this out there in case anyone else stumbling across this corner of the Wide Wide Web finds it encouraging. Please don't anyone worry about me; I've since mostly worked this out though I know it will probably come back! Sometimes God leads us in very different ways than we anticipated--and that can be hard. Even though it's always for the best!

While coming to grips with the fact that I actually have a job now (wow), I’m also having to come to grips with the fact that, for whatever reason, that job is quite close. 2 ½ hours, to be exact. Which I have not been expecting. At all. And though it has very definite benefits, somehow it also hurts a lot more than I’d been expecting. I guess I still miss Peru more than I’d thought. A lot more. . . 

I know that here can be a mission field just like anywhere else can, and that the safest place for me is in the middle of God’s will, and that God has led me to northeast TN. I believe all of that with my whole heart. I believe He has the best plans, that He only gives good gifts, that He withholds nothing good from His children. I know all that.

I also know that experience Stateside often can translate into being a better missionary, that I will have the opportunity to continue my Spanish, that I can become an experienced teacher and missionary up there and learn a lot about running a school that will be extremely helpful if I ever go overseas.

None of that makes the hurt go away though. This is what I promised I wouldn’t do—but now I’m doing it because I believe God led me here. I’m not angry at God but I am confused. When so many people “out there” desperately need to know about Him, and so few people are willing or able to go, and I am willing and able to go, why is He keeping me here? Why? And it’s not like I didn’t try at all. I talked to two different organizations; neither offered me anything. One pretty much actively discouraged me from career missions at this point. 

I just miss Peru. Still. I think mostly I miss that call, that certainty, that sense of place, that coming home. I wonder if I will ever find it again.

I guess mostly God is just teaching me surrender. Ha. Surrender all ways. I never in a hundred years thought I’d have to surrender this. But He knows all the things I don’t. Which is a lot. ;) And there are many many many things I can’t see. I don’t know so much. And He knows it all. His plans are GOOD.

What I do know is that He called me to missions. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. That is what I can hold on to. That is what I can act on.

And answering that call means going wherever He calls, for the simple reason that He called me. And so I go to northeast Tennessee in July. Because He called me. No other reason is good enough.

"Only Believe."

Teva'd feet on moonlit grass...

Memorizing and avoiding the "ant trails"...

Scurryings in palm trees...

River lapping on the shore...

Gentle jungle breeze playing around the rooftops...

That's what full moons (even here in Tennessee) remind me of. 

Peru...why is my heart still there, five years later, when my friends have come back Stateside and there is no apparent way for me to get there? I have made mistakes, no two ways about it; but have those mistakes barred every way there? Lord, don't let it be so!

I drove home from the barn on Thursday night and the almost-full "supermoon" was hanging large over the hay fields. I wasn't even consciously praying--just tossing questions and thoughts around in my mind--when of a sudden I remembered the story we had just read for family worship. Jairus. 

(Mark 5 if you want to read the whole thing.)

But mostly it was verse 36 that God brought home to my lonely, confused, and baffled little heart: 

"...overhearing what they said, Jesus said to the ruler of the synagogue, 'Do not fear; only believe.'"

They said it was impossible. She is dead. Don't trouble the Teacher any more. You've already made enough of a fool of yourself. 

But He said, "Only believe." 

Only believe. 

And so I do.

Progression: A Little Story

Last snowfall of winter; now it's 70 degrees! :)

Maybe I should give a little background to the resurrection of this blog...

Almost exactly four years ago, February 26 of 2010, I stood on a beach in Lima, Peru, and God called me to missions--a call later reinforced by His Word, by friends, by family. That call--and His ongoing guidance--led me to change my major from communications to teaching; led me to plan on going overseas at some point or another; led me to be open to whatever He had in mind.

By a year and a half ago, I was questioning everything spiritual, everything Christian. The call was forgotten, overseas no longer really an option, God's will something I only occasionally played around with the thought of.

What changed? I thought I could. 

"Could" do a lot of things. Could be a top-notch teacher. Could be a star student. Could have everyone like me, everyone be my friend. Could...could...could...

By the end of last semester, by Christmas, I had decided that I wasn't willing to give up on God yet (the most important thing) and I'd also come face-to-face with the reality that I couldn't do any of those things I'd thought I could. That was the first step.

Then God brought me full circle, back to where we'd started. To what He'd asked me to do in the first place. To follow His dreams, to let them become my own. Because, how does it profit me to gain the whole world but lose my soul?

This time, my answer is yes. Yes, and yes.

Heart Changes

Last week we taught a lesson plan, two other classmates and I.

It was an awesome lesson plan, and it went near perfectly, but the big thing that really happened was that I realized something major, something I have been struggling with ever since I started the education program.

I AM called to kids. 

I haven't been sure of that for three years--now, I am. And right now, those "kids" equal teaching. I am so grateful to know that. But someday? Well...

Tonight I am reading this article, and it was written two days ago and I haven't read it yet because too busy. Or maybe because God let me wait. Because I couldn't have read it at a better time. I'm trying not to cry.

I want that. I want those kids. I want overseas again. I love it--so much I love it.

I have no earthly idea how it will ever work out. I have big responsibilities here--I have a horse, for goodness' sakes--how am I ever going to get to Guatemala--or Peru--or Dominican Republic--or China--or Ireland--or Taiwan--or--

I don't know. But I know God's got a plan, and He's putting it back on my heart right now, and the best way to get me to do something for the long haul is to take me away from it a while and then head me back into it. I don't know if that's what He's doing right now, or if He's just trying to get my focus back where it needs to be here.

Heart changes are tough. But right now, it's also the proverbial cold water on a hot day.

A Beginning?

Almost two years ago I went to Peru.

That was a life-changing trip.  I decided I wanted to go back, one way or another, someday (if, of course, God guided me there).

Last summer I had the opportunity.  Or at least, I thought I did.  It was the perfect place, the perfect slot for my abilities, multi-media work for a nonprofit organization--exactly what I wanted to do with my life.

But it didn't work.  God closed the door quite firmly.

Then, in the middle of this school year, I had another opportunity.  Even better, for my new major of elementary education--teaching school, using my Spanish skills, similar place to the one I knew I loved, still in Peru.

That didn't work either.  Another door in my face.

Finally I made a last e-mail to another organization--one with no roots in Peru whatsoever--telling God that "this would be a really easy door for You to shut," just in case He didn't realize that.  I didn't really want to go there, not because I thought it was a bad organization or because I didn't think I'd like the work; just because I'd decided I didn't want to go anywhere next year.

They e-mailed back.  I could go to the Dominican Republic, Guatemala, or El Salvador.  Now applications are flying and forms passed out and things are moving.  And I'm scared.  If this is a beginning, what am I starting?

I talked to a dear TCK friend today and asked what they thought.  "Pray about it," they said, "and God will work out the details."

Good reminder.  If God doesn't want me in Guatemala (my current first choice), then He's already shown that He can close the doors.  If He does want me there, I don't want to be anywhere else!

What Inspires Me

Different things inspire all of us. Perhaps if you know me or if you've read some of my previous posts you've learned that my goal is to be a missionary...wherever I end up in the world. So in pictures and words, here are just a few things that inspire me.

Playing on the "blob" at summer camp in the U.S. It's amazing how Christian summer camps impact the kids who come to them. I've experienced it myself and this summer I hope to be a part of that experience for someone else! Camp can show God to kids like almost nothing else can!


Unloading trucks for a medical clinic in the U.S. Maybe I'm not a nurse (yet), but pointing out lines on an eye chart is pretty simple. And you never know when you might get the opportunity to witness to the people you're serving--or to your fellow staff members!


Schoolgirls in Belize. Need I say I love kids, no matter what country they're from? :) Sharing God's love...being the hands and feet and arms of Jesus...that's what really matters!


The city in Lima, Peru. "People live in those things?!" Yes they do...not all of those buildings have roofs and I don't think a single one is what many of you would think of as an "acceptable" house. How many of those people have ever had the chance to hear the gospel?


Birds-eye view of "jungly" area in Belize. Flying over the jungle is amazing--you can hardly see a sign of people anywhere, yet they're down there! Someone has to find them and give them the good news of salvation in Jesus.


Heading under the canopy on a Peruvian river, en route to a jungle village. Peru is where I received my call to missions, and it still holds a special place in my heart.

So many people in this world! Do we really want Jesus to return soon? Really?
"And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come." (Matt. 24:14) It's not impossible...we have Jesus' power to see us through! Nothing is impossible with God, no matter what country you're in.

That's what inspires me. What about you?

God's Call

What does a call from God sound like? Does it sound like anything? Is it just a feeling? If it is, how do you know it's God and not just your own plan or idea? What is God calling me to? I've asked these questions over and over and over again, at least since I was about nine or ten years old. Ever since I saw our church school go on mission trips, I wanted to go on a short-term mission trip too. In fact, I began to have a deep-down desire to not just go on a trip overseas, but to actually be a missionary. However, even though I was still very young, I decided not to tell anyone about this desire I had--I didn't want to be influenced by anyone else in my decision. So I planned my life for the United States...and waited...and waited...and nothing happened. I went on one short-term trip and it was not a good experience at all. But last spring, I decided to give it one more try--the church youth were going to work with my best friends in Peru, and I figured it couldn't be that bad.

I'll tell the rest of the story in an edited version of my after-the-trip journal entry.

"The trip was kind of tough until we got to [the town where the project is located]. Tough just because I’m not a city person, so Lima wasn’t really exciting except for the market, where I got to try my hand at rudimentary translation and buying skills (an absolute BLAST by the way!!! :D). That was the first reason. The second was that I started realizing that I was going to have to work hard not to slip back into my old routines of social dealings. [There were old friends coming with me on this trip that I had decided didn't share my values and couldn't be my best friends any more, and they didn't realize this or understand why.] Not being their best buddies wasn’t a hard decision to make—I’d already pretty much made it—but it was tough to act on—not to go and hang with everyone all the time. Because that’s basically what I had to do to make it clear to myself that I wasn’t back hanging out with them and doing the things I no longer feel comfortable doing.

"Thursday evening [second day of the trip, first full day in Peru] we spent on the beach. I didn’t get in; I hung out with my friend H and we took pictures. It was fun. We stayed to watch the sunset over the Pacific, and again I stood back a little from the group; I was just trying to let it be a personal thing like I felt this trip was turning out to be anyways. And while I stood there, watching the sun sink slowly between the fire-gold sea and the fire-gold sky, a pulsing yellow orb suspended between two worlds…I thought.

"I thought about what I’d seen in Lima, the houses stacked one on top of another, all the way up the sheer brown mountains, crammed together, dust over the city, tourists gaping below while people are living up there in those windowless, roofless buildings. I thought about what I knew of [where we were going] (though I hadn’t seen it yet), where jungle is right out your back door and people wash their clothes in the river, where houses don’t have walls and you have a really, really nice church if it’s made out of wood and has sides—where airplane or boat is the only way to get to most of these villages and the mission used to be closed because of Shining Path guerilla warfare and there are still hundreds, thousands of people in the jungle who have never heard of Jesus. I thought about the islands and the continent over that huge expanse of water—Asia, with all its mystery and charm and its beauty, the high mountains and lush valleys, the tropical islands where everyone rich goes to vacation, the temples and false religions that lure people for enlightenment and lock them in hurtful, sinful, degrading practices (just like here in Lima, yes, and in the jungle too). I thought about all this, and I watched the sunset. And as I thought this, and watched (and it was a very pretty sunset), I felt God calling me. I can’t say what He said exactly; it wasn’t like words from the sky or anything, but I know He spoke. He asked me to come back.

"I wasn’t impressed that He necessarily meant come back to Peru, although He may; I don’t know. But over and over this trip I was re-impressed that “this is where you belong; this is what you need to do.” So I have a new direction—I’m going into mission service. And I’m so excited about it…it’s nothing like planning my editorial career like I was. I just never could really get excited about that. But this! This! YES I’m excited! :D"

This is my call. No, I don't have the details yet. I may not for quite some time. But now I can answer some of my questions. A call from God is not necessarily a voice from the sky. But it is Biblical, first of all; it's not just a feeling. Mine is based on texts such as Isaiah 42:6-9 Isaiah 60:1-4, and Matthew 28:18-20 How do you know it's God? He will show you. He's big enough, He can make it clear! Whether He wants you to stay in the States or go to far-off lands, He will guide your feet! Don't we serve an awesome God? :)