Bit of a long post today but I'm just putting this out there in case anyone else stumbling across this corner of the Wide Wide Web finds it encouraging. Please don't anyone worry about me; I've since mostly worked this out though I know it will probably come back! Sometimes God leads us in very different ways than we anticipated--and that can be hard. Even though it's always for the best!
While coming to
grips with the fact that I actually have
a job now (wow), I’m also having to come to grips with the fact that, for whatever reason,
that job is quite close. 2
½ hours, to be exact. Which I
have not been expecting. At all. And though it has very definite benefits,
somehow it also hurts a lot more than I’d been expecting. I guess I still miss Peru more than I’d thought. A lot more. . .
I know that here can
be a mission field just like anywhere else can, and that the safest place for
me is in the middle of God’s will, and that God has led me to northeast TN. I
believe all of that with my whole heart. I believe He has the best plans, that
He only gives good gifts, that He withholds nothing good from His children. I
know all that.
I also know that experience
Stateside often can translate into being a better missionary, that I will have
the opportunity to continue my Spanish, that I can become an experienced
teacher and missionary up there and learn a lot about running a school that will
be extremely helpful if I ever go
None of that makes the hurt go away
though. This is what I promised I wouldn’t do—but now I’m doing it
because I believe God led me here. I’m not angry at God but I am confused. When
so many people “out there” desperately need to know about Him, and so few
people are willing or able to go, and I am
willing and able to go, why is He keeping me here? Why? And it’s not like I
didn’t try at all. I talked to two different organizations; neither offered me anything.
One pretty much actively discouraged me from career missions at this point.
I just miss Peru. Still. I think mostly I miss that call, that certainty, that sense of place, that coming home. I wonder if I will ever find it again.
I guess mostly
God is just teaching me surrender. Ha. Surrender all ways. I never in a hundred
years thought I’d have to surrender this.
But He knows all the things I don’t. Which is a lot. ;) And there are many many
many things I can’t see. I don’t know so much. And He knows it all. His
plans are GOOD.
What I do know is that He called me
to missions. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. That is what I can hold on
to. That is what I can act on.
And answering that call means going wherever He calls, for the simple reason
that He called me. And so I go to northeast Tennessee in July.
Because He called me. No other reason is good enough.