Who You Are

I look at the e-mail, smile--and cringe inwardly. It's the same old thing.

"You write such good lesson plans. You are planning so well. Your ideas are so good." On and on and on...

I don't do well when people praise me. I don't like it. Oh it's good for a minute, but the aftertaste is bitter. Being told I did a good job, a great job, or the best job is like eating potato chips when I'm hungry--I just need one more, one more, one more. And there is a pressure that if I don't do at least that good next time, I won't be appreciated any more. Praise, for me, creates an inability to fail that is nearly stifling. Just sit with me, ask me questions, be interested in my answers--show that you like me for who I am. Don't praise me for what I do.

So I look at the e-mail, tuck it away in a folder in case I need a reference, and try to convince myself that my teacher really means that she likes me. But that is hard to do.

Thinking this morning, in prayer group--how often do I just appreciate God for who He is?

Progression: A Little Story

Last snowfall of winter; now it's 70 degrees! :)

Maybe I should give a little background to the resurrection of this blog...

Almost exactly four years ago, February 26 of 2010, I stood on a beach in Lima, Peru, and God called me to missions--a call later reinforced by His Word, by friends, by family. That call--and His ongoing guidance--led me to change my major from communications to teaching; led me to plan on going overseas at some point or another; led me to be open to whatever He had in mind.

By a year and a half ago, I was questioning everything spiritual, everything Christian. The call was forgotten, overseas no longer really an option, God's will something I only occasionally played around with the thought of.

What changed? I thought I could. 

"Could" do a lot of things. Could be a top-notch teacher. Could be a star student. Could have everyone like me, everyone be my friend. Could...could...could...

By the end of last semester, by Christmas, I had decided that I wasn't willing to give up on God yet (the most important thing) and I'd also come face-to-face with the reality that I couldn't do any of those things I'd thought I could. That was the first step.

Then God brought me full circle, back to where we'd started. To what He'd asked me to do in the first place. To follow His dreams, to let them become my own. Because, how does it profit me to gain the whole world but lose my soul?

This time, my answer is yes. Yes, and yes.

Audio Adrenaline "Kings and Queens"

Love this song, love this video. That's all.

Heart Changes

Last week we taught a lesson plan, two other classmates and I.

It was an awesome lesson plan, and it went near perfectly, but the big thing that really happened was that I realized something major, something I have been struggling with ever since I started the education program.

I AM called to kids. 

I haven't been sure of that for three years--now, I am. And right now, those "kids" equal teaching. I am so grateful to know that. But someday? Well...

Tonight I am reading this article, and it was written two days ago and I haven't read it yet because too busy. Or maybe because God let me wait. Because I couldn't have read it at a better time. I'm trying not to cry.

I want that. I want those kids. I want overseas again. I love it--so much I love it.

I have no earthly idea how it will ever work out. I have big responsibilities here--I have a horse, for goodness' sakes--how am I ever going to get to Guatemala--or Peru--or Dominican Republic--or China--or Ireland--or Taiwan--or--

I don't know. But I know God's got a plan, and He's putting it back on my heart right now, and the best way to get me to do something for the long haul is to take me away from it a while and then head me back into it. I don't know if that's what He's doing right now, or if He's just trying to get my focus back where it needs to be here.

Heart changes are tough. But right now, it's also the proverbial cold water on a hot day.