heart

(image via Google, design mine)

it's always an unlikely time when truth hits home.  This time, it comes as I'm sitting in sun-spotted shade atop a big dapple-gray mustang, joining my riding buddy in good-naturedly trying to persuade our instructor to vow she'll never leave our area. 

"aw," she says, "but my husband's cousins live there.  And..." she pauses and glances at me, "well your family, I haven't seen them much, but they seem to really be a family.  But you," looking at my new friend, "yours...you know, it's like mine.  And they [the cousins] really are family.  And it would just be fun to be part of that, you know..."

she goes on and I listen and it's not like she is really scarred, just opportunistic as always.  But me...another matter.  That night I go home and I'm angry.  It's strange to feel angry; I'm usually anything but simply mad.  But now I am.  It's not fair.  It's not fair that I have a "real" family and she doesn't.  It's not fair that I have a "real" family and my other friends don't. 

God, it's not fair!  Why?  I'm no better than they are!  

the heaven is quiet.  I watch a movie Monday night.  Courageous.   A great Christian movie and a great story line, but just one part stands out to me above all the rest: the brief gang initiation scene.  There more to give a quick background than anything else.  And I find myself crying.  Because I know this scene isn't for real, but suddenly I'm thinking about the kids who don't have "real" family and more often than not, this is what comes out of it.  What about the kids whose family never bothered to care about anybody other than themselves?  What about them? 

God, why must your children suffer?  WHY?  

"I would stop it if I would," He whispers.  If it were the best thing.  If stopping it would stop it for good.  But that doesn't work.  He showed that to us in the Flood, that just eliminating the problem-makers doesn't solve things long-term.  Someday we will have all chosen, and then sin can be done away with.  Safely.  In the meantime...

i see a glimpse of His heart.  And I see a decision I must make.  To back away is unthinkable.  So I choose to go.  To give heart with no guarantee back.  To touch other lives.