Somewhere Between

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It's a strange feeling being between two worlds.

That's where most of us grads (or soon-to-be-grads) are right now. Two worlds. One world is the one we've been in for at least four, sometimes five or more, years--college. To expand it even further, school in general. We've been students for at least sixteen years, most of us.

The next world varies a lot from person to person, but it has one thing in common--the unknown. Unknown grad school, unknown new jobs, unknown mission service. Unknown.

And for the moment, standing between last finals and an anticipated-but-unknown future, we look at the world and wonder one thing: Where am I today--really?

Because I don't belong here any more, but I still am here.

Because I will belong there someday, but I'm not there yet.

And so we stand somewhere between, in a strangely surrealistic "wood between the worlds," happy but unsure, relieved but just a little apprehensive, not knowing.

The parallels are intriguing.

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland." (Heb. 11:13-14)

Other Side of Chivalry

"UGH!"

She stomps her foot and crosses her arms and scowls. Seventh-graders haven't yet mastered the art of the death glare, but they're getting close. Especially this one.

He looks at her with a crooked smile and doesn't say anything (he's smart). With an exaggerated sigh, she flings her arms to her sides petulantly and stomps . . . through the door.

He grins and waits for me to go through and closes it behind us.

"He's trying to be a gentleman, M," I smile; "let him do it."

And they say chivalry is dead. Girls say chivalry's dead. Are we the ones who've killed it?

I find this definition when I look up "chivalry": "the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak."

I don't think girls really mind courage or justice, or even honor--look at the popular movies and books and you know we like those things. But it's that "courtesy" thing, especially because courtesy ties precisely to the last item in that list: "a readiness to help the weak," that gets us.

God made people to be strong. He made guys to be strong. He made girls to be strong too. Look at the women in the Bible and you see strength all over the place. Eve, Deborah, Esther, Jael . . . these women are no pushovers. And we, as their daughters, want to be strong. We want to be the warrior princess of the story. And our culture pushes that even harder. Women must be "empowered"; we must be tough and strong and not give in to anything. Especially men.

We say this--we do this--partly because strength is built into us, and partly because we are afraid. The strength part is good. The fear part is not. Because fear always makes a fake hardness, a brittle china sort of toughness that isn't at all tough. Instead, it breaks and cuts.

What are we afraid of? It probably depends to a degree on the individual girl, but I'd say there's one thing that carries through us all: We are afraid of being hurt.

"But I'm not hurting you!" the poor guy protests. "I'm being nice to you!"

Yeah, you are. But you are also, even in one small way, making me dependent on another person. You. I'm depending on you to hold that door for 30 seconds and not let it smash back in my face. I'm depending on you to hand those fallen books back and not toss them away just to spite me. I'm depending on you to not cut in front of me in line. Little things, yeah, but I'm depending on you. And that is a terrifying place to be. Most girls have been let down enough little or big times (even by seventh grade) that we're gun-shy of any kind of dependence.

Maybe it's a scary place for you too, gentleman at the door. Maybe it's not. I don't know. But if you want to make it better, what do you do?

Keep doing what you're doing. Try to be patient. Try to be a little bit nicely stubborn--sometimes that's what it takes. But don't just be a gentleman when it comes to holding doors or picking up books or letting me go first in the potluck line. Be dependable other places too. Build my trust. I don't care if I'm not and never will be your girlfriend. We all need to build trust--you, and me, and my seventh- and eighth-graders, and all of us.

Girls? That's a whole different post. But try to see the true strength behind accepting courtesy. It takes a lot more strength to graciously accept an offer that makes you momentarily dependent on another, than it does to bull your way through alone. Remember that. And act on it.

If we want chivalry, we can't refuse it. If we want kindness, we can't put it down. If we want to be open and true with each other, we must move past that fear that cuts.

IRL: Catch-up

Student teaching is going overall quite well. It's a bit of fun times trying to nail down my classroom management but fortunately my kids are really quite easy so that makes my life a bit better. Some days are better than others but they're recognizing when I'm serious and they listen. I, in turn, am learning to be a little bit tough with them when I need to. It's a matter of getting comfortable--I can't be tough with you until I feel we have a relationship, so that makes my management strategy a little different.

After this coming week, it's only two more weeks in the classroom--one more of full-time teaching, and then one week part-time teaching. Going to miss my kids but I'm glad I took my week off when I did (at the end of the school year). Grad is already going to be crazy enough, without trying to teach straight up until the Friday of graduation weekend!

Besides that, I'm trying to soak up every minute I can of the rest of this spring. I'm outside as soon as I get home and staying out till the sun goes down (lesson planning? yeah...that's Sundays...sometimes...I get them done!). Spending time with my friends and just trying to make the most of every minute.

Today I'm driving up to my "new home" to check out a place for my horse that will hopefully work out so that he can come with me. Also dropping by the two apartments/duplexes I'm deciding between.

How To Be a Teacher

...according to second grade:

--"But she's a STUDENT teacher."
--"Yeah...but she has a whistle!" 
--"That's true...I guess she's a teacher too!"

Never-failing source of amusement right here. Love having the combination of older and younger kids--best of all the worlds! :)

First Placement Done!

Well my first student teaching placement is done!

The kids all made me cards Friday and I got hugged to death multiple times and had several offers to be kidnapped and hauled away to various students' closets/basements/etc. I suppose I'll take that as a compliment! ;)

I will miss them but at the same time it was an enormous relief on Friday afternoon when I got home, knowing I was done with that first placement. I love the kids but the environment I guess was still being stressful even though I'd gotten used to it. I walked around Friday afternoon feeling like I had a literal weight off my chest, haha!

Now I'm working in the office at college over spring break, and reminding myself that I can still understand Spanish. I've let it slide since freshman/sophomore year but I'll need it again come summer for my new job. This coming Friday I'll go up to my new school (the one where I actually have a job!) for the weekend. I've been talking with a number of the school board members on the phone these past couple weeks. Everyone has been super friendly and welcoming so far and I'm excited to meet them "for real" outside of just an interview trip. Excited and scared, but trying to focus on the excited part. ;)

A week from today I start my second placement. That will be a K-8 one-room school and I am super excited! I'm hoping to be able to meet with my mentor teacher sometime this week, or at least talk with her on the phone--we'll see. It will be a new adventure for sure--very different from my first placement in a lot of ways!

Still Here!

Well I have been MIA lately. I'll try to update more often! Maybe!

I'm keeping very very busy pretty much. Student teaching is going well. I only have two more weeks left after this coming one, for my current public school (5th grade) placement. Then I'll have a week off for spring break, before moving on to my seven-week private school placement. This current placement is a "co-teaching" setup, so I really don't have complete responsibility for the classroom, but I'm still learning a lot and it is a good experience.

So I am in school or driving to/from school from 8 to somewhere around 4:30 every day. Evenings are taking care of my horse and then usually just crashing. For an introvert, teaching can be very draining--for an idealist and connection-focused person, public school environments are even more draining. So I am trying to figure out how to "recharge" in those precious before-and-after school moments. It's still a work in progress. :)

Sabbaths are busy 9-9:30ish with church, friends, Bible work, and more friends--Sundays are lesson planning and usually something with more friends, unless (as on this weekend) they're sick! :( And this Monday we also have the day off for Presidents' Day, so I'm enjoying the long weekend. I anticipate a snow day sometime this week as well, but we'll have to see on that one!

I also interviewed for and accepted a job in a little one-teacher school in northeastern Tennessee, so I know where I'll be moving this summer! I'm very excited and can't wait to go up there over spring break to look for apartments and a place for my horse, and attend church with "my" new people! Lots of changes but it will be good. :)

Teacher Diaries: Homeschooler Returns

Just a short update! It's a bright sunny morning outside and it's only 10:35 and already 50 degrees. Feels like spring.

On Thursday night, it snowed--big fluffy flakes half the size of my palm--and the roads froze and we had a snow day all day Friday. So by the time Martin Luther King Jr. Day is done, I'll have had a four-day weekend.

I love Tennessee. I love the South. Especially in January and February. :)

This coming week, probably Wednesday, I'll start teaching. Last week I observed a lot, did mini-teaching with small groups, and enjoyed my snow day Friday. This week, I will start actually teaching! Since our particular classroom only teaches reading, writing, and math (the students rotate to other teachers for science and social studies), I won't have quite so much to prepare--on the other hand, fifth-grade math is a lot of fractions. And I've never liked fractions, so I'm refreshing my memory! :)

Startled my poor mentor teacher on Thursday because she asked where I went to school. And when asked a point-blank question like that, there's only really one thing to say. . . so I told her I was home-schooled. Let's just say I don't think she was expecting that answer! ;) However, apparently she's decided I'm still not too scary, since we are planning for me to probably take the grammar lesson and at least some math lessons this coming week! We'll see how it goes!

Filled with Him

Fall color many moons ago ;) 

Well, a new year is here!

For me? This last year has been, overall, good. I've grown so much, learned so much, grown SO much closer to God, met amazing (seriously, amazing!) people--it's just been a great year. I can honestly say I'm so much happier this year than I was at this time last year.

And someday I want to write a series of posts about why. :) But for now I don't have the time.

This coming year--will it be as good as last year? I think it can be. Will it feel as good? That's another question! I'm beginning student teaching in two weeks, and I'll be graduating college in May. The job search begins next week. That's a really surreal kind of feeling in itself, when I think about it (which I'm trying not to)!

But the best thing? Is that with God, every day is the start of a new year! In its own way. I don't have to wait till next January to make changes or to move forward. His mercies are new every morning! You can't ask for better than that!

This year, I decided I wanted to focus on true beauty, peace, and joy. Surrounding myself with them and asking God to fill me with them and let them spill out to others. But then I thought, oh, and love too--and hope--and--and well there are a lot of things I want to be filled with!

So really, I came to the conclusion that what I want is just to be filled. Isn't that what we all want? And so I decided (yes, maybe I'm a bit slow!) that I just want to be filled with JESUS. If that's all I am, I will be more than happy enough!

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Teacher Diaries: Preparing for Student Teaching!

First: FINALS ARE DONE!!! My last undergraduate finals ever!!

Okay, on to the next thing: Those who know me, know that, especially when I'm nervous or stressed, I can be obsessively organized and almost never too prepared. Mind you, these aren't inborn traits--they were faithfully taught me by my mother (doesn't it always seem to go that way?) over many, many, MANY years--or at least 20-something! ;)

Anyways, I have this problem, because I deal with life by organizing everything super-obsessively. Now maybe this is good, maybe it's bad; but that's how I've survived college so it works! However, this big thing is coming down the road:

STUDENT TEACHING.

And nowhere can I find any good resource for organizing one's life during student teaching! The main theme seems to be "just survive." Which is good, but...it lacks in detail somewhat...

So I'm going to adapt some teacher organization ideas and create an organizing thing (or more than one...). And hopefully post some of it here for the benefit of any poor student teacher out there who stumbles across this part of the world. :) Also going to post some of the more odd/probably-unique-only-to-me things that I'm doing--because I'm hoping to use student teaching as a practice time to figure out how to do this next semester in real life!

Stay tuned! :)