Teacher Diaries: New Journey

Yesterday and Friday found me up at my new community/church/school! Spent Friday looking around for apartments and possible places for my horse, and then yesterday was Sabbath School, church, and potluck.

It was really a great weekend--overwhelming sometimes and exhausting for the introvert who met what seems like a hundred new people, but great! The church members are really wonderful, very friendly and welcoming. I could hardly have a conversation without at least three other people coming up to say hello and welcome! Beautiful little active church, a healthy growing school and active homeschool community :) . I'm excited. God is doing big things there and I'm grateful He's given me the chance to be part of it!

It will be a big shift for sure as I transition. I've never lived away from home before, so it's all kind of happening at once. ;) But it's still fairly close which is a big positive. I can come down to visit home on a weekend or my family can come up. Friends can come up from university too, if they want to.

Life feels like it's duly in an uproar right now! Decisions--ah I hate decisions and there are about a thousand just waiting in the wings! But I know God's got His hand in this and He'll bring me through. That's what I'm holding on to. :)

Waiting: Part 2: What's It?

Or, some stories for you. :)

Once upon a time, there was a little girl. And this little girl loved horses. (Don't most?) The fabled "horse bug" bit her when she was around seven years old, and it just never really quit.

Of course she asked for a horse, she wanted a horse--but her parents couldn't afford a horse, and that was that. So she wore the covers off her book on how to take care of horses, reading it and re-reading it. And always she hoped for a horse. She befriended horses that showed up in the cow barn (unfortunately they stayed only a few days) and then she made friends who had horses, and she got to ride one at long last. But only once or twice before her family moved. She still hoped for her own.

Eventually, three years after the initial bug bit, her grandpa offered to fund riding lessons every other week. She learned to walk and trot and eventually to canter. And still she hoped for her own horse. There were bad instructors and good ones, lost confidence and regained confidence, and as she got older the horses got younger and a bit wilder sometimes. There were more falls, more bumps and bruises, broken bones, drives home in tears because things didn't work out. And still she hoped for her own.

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a little boy. And this little boy decided he wanted to work with physically hurting people, to reach their spiritual hurts too. So when he grew up he went to college to study. 

But when he got to college some huge issues came up. Issues so big that it seemed there was no way through. No way around. No way over. He tried every angle. He analyzed every opportunity. But things just didn't seem to be looking up. So he asked, and he shared:

"What keeps you going?" 

The answer? Hope. Hope to make a difference. Hope to change someone's life. Hope to shine a light. 

So he kept getting up every day, and he kept going to class, and he kept hoping for that difference. There were no answers, and there were no guarantees, and the dream was held off (it seemed) maybe forever. He waited on the answers, and he waited on the outcome, and there wasn't much promise of a good turnaround and a happy ending. Still he hoped to be that difference. 

* * *

Two stories, two very different people, two very different situations. Or maybe, at the core, not so different after all.

What is "waiting"?

Reflections

Image from Wikimedia Commons

I've grown a lot this semester. In a lot of ways.

I continue to ask God for His heart for others, and He is opening my eyes. Just as much as I can stand it--which isn't very much.

Guys, this world is a dark, dark place. Dark and empty and cold. Dark enough to suck the air from your lungs. Empty enough to leave you beaten and helpless. Cold enough to freeze your heart.

If you'll let it.

Don't.

Because it's also full of light. Because HE is full of light. And He is here. And He is in us, for us, with us. He is light, He is healing, He is joy, He is warmth and life and love. And if you'll let Him, He will set your heart ablaze.

For so much darkness, so much more light. Lord, make me a lamp.

"Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Rom. 5:20-21)

First Placement Done!

Well my first student teaching placement is done!

The kids all made me cards Friday and I got hugged to death multiple times and had several offers to be kidnapped and hauled away to various students' closets/basements/etc. I suppose I'll take that as a compliment! ;)

I will miss them but at the same time it was an enormous relief on Friday afternoon when I got home, knowing I was done with that first placement. I love the kids but the environment I guess was still being stressful even though I'd gotten used to it. I walked around Friday afternoon feeling like I had a literal weight off my chest, haha!

Now I'm working in the office at college over spring break, and reminding myself that I can still understand Spanish. I've let it slide since freshman/sophomore year but I'll need it again come summer for my new job. This coming Friday I'll go up to my new school (the one where I actually have a job!) for the weekend. I've been talking with a number of the school board members on the phone these past couple weeks. Everyone has been super friendly and welcoming so far and I'm excited to meet them "for real" outside of just an interview trip. Excited and scared, but trying to focus on the excited part. ;)

A week from today I start my second placement. That will be a K-8 one-room school and I am super excited! I'm hoping to be able to meet with my mentor teacher sometime this week, or at least talk with her on the phone--we'll see. It will be a new adventure for sure--very different from my first placement in a lot of ways!

Real Life: From the Diaries: Surrender

Bit of a long post today but I'm just putting this out there in case anyone else stumbling across this corner of the Wide Wide Web finds it encouraging. Please don't anyone worry about me; I've since mostly worked this out though I know it will probably come back! Sometimes God leads us in very different ways than we anticipated--and that can be hard. Even though it's always for the best!

While coming to grips with the fact that I actually have a job now (wow), I’m also having to come to grips with the fact that, for whatever reason, that job is quite close. 2 ½ hours, to be exact. Which I have not been expecting. At all. And though it has very definite benefits, somehow it also hurts a lot more than I’d been expecting. I guess I still miss Peru more than I’d thought. A lot more. . . 

I know that here can be a mission field just like anywhere else can, and that the safest place for me is in the middle of God’s will, and that God has led me to northeast TN. I believe all of that with my whole heart. I believe He has the best plans, that He only gives good gifts, that He withholds nothing good from His children. I know all that.

I also know that experience Stateside often can translate into being a better missionary, that I will have the opportunity to continue my Spanish, that I can become an experienced teacher and missionary up there and learn a lot about running a school that will be extremely helpful if I ever go overseas.

None of that makes the hurt go away though. This is what I promised I wouldn’t do—but now I’m doing it because I believe God led me here. I’m not angry at God but I am confused. When so many people “out there” desperately need to know about Him, and so few people are willing or able to go, and I am willing and able to go, why is He keeping me here? Why? And it’s not like I didn’t try at all. I talked to two different organizations; neither offered me anything. One pretty much actively discouraged me from career missions at this point. 

I just miss Peru. Still. I think mostly I miss that call, that certainty, that sense of place, that coming home. I wonder if I will ever find it again.

I guess mostly God is just teaching me surrender. Ha. Surrender all ways. I never in a hundred years thought I’d have to surrender this. But He knows all the things I don’t. Which is a lot. ;) And there are many many many things I can’t see. I don’t know so much. And He knows it all. His plans are GOOD.

What I do know is that He called me to missions. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. That is what I can hold on to. That is what I can act on.

And answering that call means going wherever He calls, for the simple reason that He called me. And so I go to northeast Tennessee in July. Because He called me. No other reason is good enough.

Waiting: Part 1: A Question

Long conversation with a friend and "little sister" last night brought up a topic that I think isn't talked about nearly enough.

That being WAITING.

That is, waiting in a spiritual and emotional sense. I think we talk about physically waiting for things quite enough. :)

But we wait for a lot of other things too...

• "Mr./Ms. Right"
• God acting in a specific way
• Friends changing (for the better, we hope)
• Family changing
• New friends

I could go on and I'm sure you have your own list. The above is just some of what we talked about last night. ;) 

My question to you is this: Can waiting distract us from the bigger issues of life? If so, how do we keep it "in check," so to speak? 

Still Here!

Well I have been MIA lately. I'll try to update more often! Maybe!

I'm keeping very very busy pretty much. Student teaching is going well. I only have two more weeks left after this coming one, for my current public school (5th grade) placement. Then I'll have a week off for spring break, before moving on to my seven-week private school placement. This current placement is a "co-teaching" setup, so I really don't have complete responsibility for the classroom, but I'm still learning a lot and it is a good experience.

So I am in school or driving to/from school from 8 to somewhere around 4:30 every day. Evenings are taking care of my horse and then usually just crashing. For an introvert, teaching can be very draining--for an idealist and connection-focused person, public school environments are even more draining. So I am trying to figure out how to "recharge" in those precious before-and-after school moments. It's still a work in progress. :)

Sabbaths are busy 9-9:30ish with church, friends, Bible work, and more friends--Sundays are lesson planning and usually something with more friends, unless (as on this weekend) they're sick! :( And this Monday we also have the day off for Presidents' Day, so I'm enjoying the long weekend. I anticipate a snow day sometime this week as well, but we'll have to see on that one!

I also interviewed for and accepted a job in a little one-teacher school in northeastern Tennessee, so I know where I'll be moving this summer! I'm very excited and can't wait to go up there over spring break to look for apartments and a place for my horse, and attend church with "my" new people! Lots of changes but it will be good. :)

Teacher Diaries: Homeschooler Returns

Just a short update! It's a bright sunny morning outside and it's only 10:35 and already 50 degrees. Feels like spring.

On Thursday night, it snowed--big fluffy flakes half the size of my palm--and the roads froze and we had a snow day all day Friday. So by the time Martin Luther King Jr. Day is done, I'll have had a four-day weekend.

I love Tennessee. I love the South. Especially in January and February. :)

This coming week, probably Wednesday, I'll start teaching. Last week I observed a lot, did mini-teaching with small groups, and enjoyed my snow day Friday. This week, I will start actually teaching! Since our particular classroom only teaches reading, writing, and math (the students rotate to other teachers for science and social studies), I won't have quite so much to prepare--on the other hand, fifth-grade math is a lot of fractions. And I've never liked fractions, so I'm refreshing my memory! :)

Startled my poor mentor teacher on Thursday because she asked where I went to school. And when asked a point-blank question like that, there's only really one thing to say. . . so I told her I was home-schooled. Let's just say I don't think she was expecting that answer! ;) However, apparently she's decided I'm still not too scary, since we are planning for me to probably take the grammar lesson and at least some math lessons this coming week! We'll see how it goes!

One Step

From a day that, believe it or not, was warmer than today! 

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matt. 6:34)

Good morning, Thursday!

The air crackles in my nose--I can feel my breath freezing. In and out, in and out--frosty in, warmer out. I hold gloved hands to my nose, try to trap the warmer air around my face, focus on my steps, on the swing of my legs forward and back. The little rock fountain's frozen over--icicles draping over the moss, fish swimming under a glassy sheet. It begs a picture, even though my camera phone's notoriously bad at such things.

Another three stairs, behind the religion building, up the final long set of stairs to work. I take them one-and-two at a time--not brave enough to run, not warm enough to walk! Eyes laser-focus on the door; I swing it open, step inside the warmth, and gasp a still-shivery sigh of relief. I'm here. At last.

There's a trick to walking to work on cold mornings. At least, there is if you don't like the cold but you don't want to feel like a grumpy turtle when you do get to work. For me, that trick involves a double focus: #1, of course, is the warm work building. But just focusing on getting from A to B (in the cold) can create a distinct "grumpy turtle" attitude. Okay, it does create said attitude, at least for me!

#2 focus is every step. And the second focus is just as important (maybe because I forget it so easily!). Because though I may focus on the future, I live in each step.

And it's my choice how to live each of those steps. Will I live each step, or will I live each step? Will I live in frustration or in gratitude? In anxiety, or in trust? As a beggar, or as a child of the King?

It's hard (for some of us anyways) to understand living an entire life trusting God. But when you break it down to steps--to days and to hours and even to minutes--that looks a bit more doable. Not that I will do it all the time or even most of the time!--but it gives me courage to start over. To try again. To live each step in awe of that Future.

Filled with Him

Fall color many moons ago ;) 

Well, a new year is here!

For me? This last year has been, overall, good. I've grown so much, learned so much, grown SO much closer to God, met amazing (seriously, amazing!) people--it's just been a great year. I can honestly say I'm so much happier this year than I was at this time last year.

And someday I want to write a series of posts about why. :) But for now I don't have the time.

This coming year--will it be as good as last year? I think it can be. Will it feel as good? That's another question! I'm beginning student teaching in two weeks, and I'll be graduating college in May. The job search begins next week. That's a really surreal kind of feeling in itself, when I think about it (which I'm trying not to)!

But the best thing? Is that with God, every day is the start of a new year! In its own way. I don't have to wait till next January to make changes or to move forward. His mercies are new every morning! You can't ask for better than that!

This year, I decided I wanted to focus on true beauty, peace, and joy. Surrounding myself with them and asking God to fill me with them and let them spill out to others. But then I thought, oh, and love too--and hope--and--and well there are a lot of things I want to be filled with!

So really, I came to the conclusion that what I want is just to be filled. Isn't that what we all want? And so I decided (yes, maybe I'm a bit slow!) that I just want to be filled with JESUS. If that's all I am, I will be more than happy enough!

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Care to join me?