On Strength

Alaska mountains

Strength is a funny thing. Some people wear it like chain mail, but it wraps round others like a cloak--a bit mysterious, but soft and warm. It hides some people and reveals others. It's a blaze that scalds and a hearth-fire that warms. In some people, it wounds; in others, it protects.

It's not always bad, but neither is it always good. And the wrong type of strong people are scary. They are not safe. But the good type are trustworthy and protective. Astonishingly so.

The difference lies in the root (as it always does). In why.

Some strength says, "I will never be hurt."
Some says, "I choose to allow myself to hurt . . . and rise again."

Some strength says, "I will never let anyone close to me."
Some says, "I will give--and love--and care deeply . . . even when you'll never return it."

Some strength says, "I am all I need."
Some says, "I will ask for help."

Some strength says "I."
Some says "Him."

Because to be truly strong, to be soft yet strong, this is the greatest kind of strength. And the greatest kind of strength can only be gained from the One who is truly Strong.

Oh my friends, as you go into this world today, this dark and broken and angry world, have that true strength. Don't go weak, but don't put on that chain-mail strength. Just don't. It's not worth it. It's not worth the pain to yourself, or to others.

Take His cloak instead.

If Truth Never Triumphed

There's been a shooting today, in the city I've known as home for the past eight years.

"Domestic terrorism"... "ISIS"..."violence"...

These words were never supposed to exist. Period.

We cry, "Why this little city? Why this little town? Why those children? Why these husbands? Those mothers?"

And we cannot know the answer. Because evil has no answer but the selfish core of selfishness. Evil is its own entity. And deep inside, the most hardened of us still know that it is a foreign entity. Evil is not supposed to be. 

This hatred of evil, this hatred of pain, this burning anger at things that are just wrong, this is one of the strongest indicators that we were made for another world.

But here, and now, truth, integrity, love...they battle today. And more often than not, they lose. In little ways, and in big.

Truth forever on the scaffold,
Wrong forever on the throne.

And so I have a question for you today--and a question for me. Why do we choose truth? Why do we choose integrity? Why do we choose love?

Do we choose it because we think life will be better when it triumphs?

What if it never overcame? (not, that is, that we could ever see...)

What if it never won? (not that our children, or great-great-great grandchildren, could ever enjoy...)

Would we still choose it now?

You Matter

Rallied by one young prince's victory, a thousand men of the Israelite nation rush from their hiding places, armed with sticks and shovels, to pursue and to destroy their enemies. Successfully.

Ranks of young men file into ships, to land at Normandy Beach and to scramble and battle their way inland in a desperate struggle to free Europe.

Suicide bombers train for days, weeks--only to destroy themselves in a final explosion for what they believe is the right.

We are obsessed, we humans, with being part of something bigger than ourselves. With fighting for the right. With the ideal of the stalwart hero who battles and struggles and finally, though his death or through his life, wins. We want this. We crave it. It is part of both our deepest fears and our deepest dreams. It constantly drives us upward toward glory, or downward toward greatest loss. 

Because we are. We are part of Something Bigger. We do fight for it. Every day. 

The question is: What? What am I fighting for? Am I the hero fighting to free Europe, to rescue Israel from the Philistines? Or am I the suicide bomber who destroys not only others, but himself, in a blaze of terror?

There are only two sides. The side that destroys, and the Side that renews. The side that wounds, and the Side that heals. And one of the essences of the Gospel is just this:

YOU MATTER.

Your life matters. Your choices matter. YOU matter. More than you can ever dream. Because in every choice, no matter how small, no matter how insignificant, you fight. Because every time you choose the good, evil loses. 

And so in a hundred little choices, in a hundred little prayers, in a hundred little surrenders every day...we fight.

By His grace, choose the good.

"Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, to which you were also called and have confessed the good confession in the presence of many witnesses." (1 Tim. 6:12)

IRL: Summer Begins

• Quiet days at the office...
• Reading Pilgrim's Progress, Hinds' Feet on High Places, Captivating, and To Kill a Mockingbird...
• Long-distance book clubs...
• Arranging new songs...
• Google Hangouts with friends...
• Beautiful new lyrics stuck in my head all day...
• Honeysuckle and privet-scented nights...
• Catching up and talking with little brothers and friends...
• Planning a weekend trip to my "new home" to order books, have meetings with the pastor, meet (even more) people, and start getting ready for July...
• Poetry
• Music
• Delighted with others' joy :)
• Solo hikes in the rain
• Thunderstorms

"There are different kinds of happiness," she said. "There is an exuberant happiness, that comes bubbling up and bubbling out--like Old Faithful. And there's a quiet happiness, like when you're hiking with your family at 5,000 feet. And there's a bittersweet happiness, missing the old and being grateful for it, standing alone in the rain, driving by yourself across the mountains. But they're all happiness. All to be embraced."

His Lamps

I don't remember if I've shared this before, but just in case I haven't...this is a great little poem I have posted on my wall to remember.

We are His lamps, to shine where He shall say;
And lamps are not for sunny rooms,
Or for the light of day,
But for dark places of the earth,
Where shame and wrong and crime have birth;
Or for the murky twilight gray,
Where wandering sheep have gone astray;
Or where the lamp of faith grows dim,
And souls are groping after Him.
And so sometimes we find a flame,
Clear shining through the night--
So dark we cannot see the lamp, 
   but only see the light.
May we so shine--His love the flame--
That men may glorify His name.

~ R.J. Flint

Teacher Diaries: New Journey

Yesterday and Friday found me up at my new community/church/school! Spent Friday looking around for apartments and possible places for my horse, and then yesterday was Sabbath School, church, and potluck.

It was really a great weekend--overwhelming sometimes and exhausting for the introvert who met what seems like a hundred new people, but great! The church members are really wonderful, very friendly and welcoming. I could hardly have a conversation without at least three other people coming up to say hello and welcome! Beautiful little active church, a healthy growing school and active homeschool community :) . I'm excited. God is doing big things there and I'm grateful He's given me the chance to be part of it!

It will be a big shift for sure as I transition. I've never lived away from home before, so it's all kind of happening at once. ;) But it's still fairly close which is a big positive. I can come down to visit home on a weekend or my family can come up. Friends can come up from university too, if they want to.

Life feels like it's duly in an uproar right now! Decisions--ah I hate decisions and there are about a thousand just waiting in the wings! But I know God's got His hand in this and He'll bring me through. That's what I'm holding on to. :)

Reflections

Image from Wikimedia Commons

I've grown a lot this semester. In a lot of ways.

I continue to ask God for His heart for others, and He is opening my eyes. Just as much as I can stand it--which isn't very much.

Guys, this world is a dark, dark place. Dark and empty and cold. Dark enough to suck the air from your lungs. Empty enough to leave you beaten and helpless. Cold enough to freeze your heart.

If you'll let it.

Don't.

Because it's also full of light. Because HE is full of light. And He is here. And He is in us, for us, with us. He is light, He is healing, He is joy, He is warmth and life and love. And if you'll let Him, He will set your heart ablaze.

For so much darkness, so much more light. Lord, make me a lamp.

"Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Rom. 5:20-21)

Real Life: From the Diaries: Surrender

Bit of a long post today but I'm just putting this out there in case anyone else stumbling across this corner of the Wide Wide Web finds it encouraging. Please don't anyone worry about me; I've since mostly worked this out though I know it will probably come back! Sometimes God leads us in very different ways than we anticipated--and that can be hard. Even though it's always for the best!

While coming to grips with the fact that I actually have a job now (wow), I’m also having to come to grips with the fact that, for whatever reason, that job is quite close. 2 ½ hours, to be exact. Which I have not been expecting. At all. And though it has very definite benefits, somehow it also hurts a lot more than I’d been expecting. I guess I still miss Peru more than I’d thought. A lot more. . . 

I know that here can be a mission field just like anywhere else can, and that the safest place for me is in the middle of God’s will, and that God has led me to northeast TN. I believe all of that with my whole heart. I believe He has the best plans, that He only gives good gifts, that He withholds nothing good from His children. I know all that.

I also know that experience Stateside often can translate into being a better missionary, that I will have the opportunity to continue my Spanish, that I can become an experienced teacher and missionary up there and learn a lot about running a school that will be extremely helpful if I ever go overseas.

None of that makes the hurt go away though. This is what I promised I wouldn’t do—but now I’m doing it because I believe God led me here. I’m not angry at God but I am confused. When so many people “out there” desperately need to know about Him, and so few people are willing or able to go, and I am willing and able to go, why is He keeping me here? Why? And it’s not like I didn’t try at all. I talked to two different organizations; neither offered me anything. One pretty much actively discouraged me from career missions at this point. 

I just miss Peru. Still. I think mostly I miss that call, that certainty, that sense of place, that coming home. I wonder if I will ever find it again.

I guess mostly God is just teaching me surrender. Ha. Surrender all ways. I never in a hundred years thought I’d have to surrender this. But He knows all the things I don’t. Which is a lot. ;) And there are many many many things I can’t see. I don’t know so much. And He knows it all. His plans are GOOD.

What I do know is that He called me to missions. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. That is what I can hold on to. That is what I can act on.

And answering that call means going wherever He calls, for the simple reason that He called me. And so I go to northeast Tennessee in July. Because He called me. No other reason is good enough.

Waiting: Part 1: A Question

Long conversation with a friend and "little sister" last night brought up a topic that I think isn't talked about nearly enough.

That being WAITING.

That is, waiting in a spiritual and emotional sense. I think we talk about physically waiting for things quite enough. :)

But we wait for a lot of other things too...

• "Mr./Ms. Right"
• God acting in a specific way
• Friends changing (for the better, we hope)
• Family changing
• New friends

I could go on and I'm sure you have your own list. The above is just some of what we talked about last night. ;) 

My question to you is this: Can waiting distract us from the bigger issues of life? If so, how do we keep it "in check," so to speak? 

Teacher Diaries: Homeschooler Returns

Just a short update! It's a bright sunny morning outside and it's only 10:35 and already 50 degrees. Feels like spring.

On Thursday night, it snowed--big fluffy flakes half the size of my palm--and the roads froze and we had a snow day all day Friday. So by the time Martin Luther King Jr. Day is done, I'll have had a four-day weekend.

I love Tennessee. I love the South. Especially in January and February. :)

This coming week, probably Wednesday, I'll start teaching. Last week I observed a lot, did mini-teaching with small groups, and enjoyed my snow day Friday. This week, I will start actually teaching! Since our particular classroom only teaches reading, writing, and math (the students rotate to other teachers for science and social studies), I won't have quite so much to prepare--on the other hand, fifth-grade math is a lot of fractions. And I've never liked fractions, so I'm refreshing my memory! :)

Startled my poor mentor teacher on Thursday because she asked where I went to school. And when asked a point-blank question like that, there's only really one thing to say. . . so I told her I was home-schooled. Let's just say I don't think she was expecting that answer! ;) However, apparently she's decided I'm still not too scary, since we are planning for me to probably take the grammar lesson and at least some math lessons this coming week! We'll see how it goes!

One Step

From a day that, believe it or not, was warmer than today! 

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matt. 6:34)

Good morning, Thursday!

The air crackles in my nose--I can feel my breath freezing. In and out, in and out--frosty in, warmer out. I hold gloved hands to my nose, try to trap the warmer air around my face, focus on my steps, on the swing of my legs forward and back. The little rock fountain's frozen over--icicles draping over the moss, fish swimming under a glassy sheet. It begs a picture, even though my camera phone's notoriously bad at such things.

Another three stairs, behind the religion building, up the final long set of stairs to work. I take them one-and-two at a time--not brave enough to run, not warm enough to walk! Eyes laser-focus on the door; I swing it open, step inside the warmth, and gasp a still-shivery sigh of relief. I'm here. At last.

There's a trick to walking to work on cold mornings. At least, there is if you don't like the cold but you don't want to feel like a grumpy turtle when you do get to work. For me, that trick involves a double focus: #1, of course, is the warm work building. But just focusing on getting from A to B (in the cold) can create a distinct "grumpy turtle" attitude. Okay, it does create said attitude, at least for me!

#2 focus is every step. And the second focus is just as important (maybe because I forget it so easily!). Because though I may focus on the future, I live in each step.

And it's my choice how to live each of those steps. Will I live each step, or will I live each step? Will I live in frustration or in gratitude? In anxiety, or in trust? As a beggar, or as a child of the King?

It's hard (for some of us anyways) to understand living an entire life trusting God. But when you break it down to steps--to days and to hours and even to minutes--that looks a bit more doable. Not that I will do it all the time or even most of the time!--but it gives me courage to start over. To try again. To live each step in awe of that Future.

Filled with Him

Fall color many moons ago ;) 

Well, a new year is here!

For me? This last year has been, overall, good. I've grown so much, learned so much, grown SO much closer to God, met amazing (seriously, amazing!) people--it's just been a great year. I can honestly say I'm so much happier this year than I was at this time last year.

And someday I want to write a series of posts about why. :) But for now I don't have the time.

This coming year--will it be as good as last year? I think it can be. Will it feel as good? That's another question! I'm beginning student teaching in two weeks, and I'll be graduating college in May. The job search begins next week. That's a really surreal kind of feeling in itself, when I think about it (which I'm trying not to)!

But the best thing? Is that with God, every day is the start of a new year! In its own way. I don't have to wait till next January to make changes or to move forward. His mercies are new every morning! You can't ask for better than that!

This year, I decided I wanted to focus on true beauty, peace, and joy. Surrounding myself with them and asking God to fill me with them and let them spill out to others. But then I thought, oh, and love too--and hope--and--and well there are a lot of things I want to be filled with!

So really, I came to the conclusion that what I want is just to be filled. Isn't that what we all want? And so I decided (yes, maybe I'm a bit slow!) that I just want to be filled with JESUS. If that's all I am, I will be more than happy enough!

Source

Care to join me?

Teacher Diaries: Preparing for Student Teaching!

First: FINALS ARE DONE!!! My last undergraduate finals ever!!

Okay, on to the next thing: Those who know me, know that, especially when I'm nervous or stressed, I can be obsessively organized and almost never too prepared. Mind you, these aren't inborn traits--they were faithfully taught me by my mother (doesn't it always seem to go that way?) over many, many, MANY years--or at least 20-something! ;)

Anyways, I have this problem, because I deal with life by organizing everything super-obsessively. Now maybe this is good, maybe it's bad; but that's how I've survived college so it works! However, this big thing is coming down the road:

STUDENT TEACHING.

And nowhere can I find any good resource for organizing one's life during student teaching! The main theme seems to be "just survive." Which is good, but...it lacks in detail somewhat...

So I'm going to adapt some teacher organization ideas and create an organizing thing (or more than one...). And hopefully post some of it here for the benefit of any poor student teacher out there who stumbles across this part of the world. :) Also going to post some of the more odd/probably-unique-only-to-me things that I'm doing--because I'm hoping to use student teaching as a practice time to figure out how to do this next semester in real life!

Stay tuned! :)

Surrender: A Prayer

"Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part from them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of sun to shine in it, for Thyself will be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus' Name, Amen." ~ A.W. Tozer 

A friend shared this--I thought it was very powerful. May we be willing to make a total surrender to Him!

Today's Thoughts

From prayer group...

1 Corinthians 13:

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never ends. ..."

And 1 John 4:8:

"Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."

So any time we see the word "love" in 1 Corinthians 13, we could replace it with "God." "God is patient and kind; He does not envy or boast; He is not arrogant or rude. God does not insist on His own way; He is not irritable or resentful; He does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

"God bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

All things, for our sakes. That some of us might turn and be with Him forever.

Lord, thank You for Your incredible love. Teach me to love as You do!

Thoughts on Teaching

...For some reason the video won't move to the bottom, where I want it. So anyways. It's a good song, listen to it. ;)

This week have been thinking about teaching. And teachers. Especially those of us who are young Christian teachers just getting out of school--but also older teachers. . .

We have a great Christian educational system here in the States. Trained teachers, (generally) supportive parents, good kids, good resources--we update our resources and textbooks and everything and it's just great. Kids can go to Pre-K through college in Christian education; it costs a LOT but you can do it. And of course then there is our favorite homeschooling, which I still entirely consider Christian education!

And just FYI please, please do NOT consider the following to be down-playing those who are SM's or career missionaries teaching without a teaching licensure or training. I admire you all like you cannot know and I pray for you all. I can't imagine doing what you're doing. God bless you!!

But, for teachers: Why are we not taking our training and what we know, and stretching it a little, and taking it outside our familiar comfort zone? Why do children in Christian schools in another country not get our long-term skills and our practice and even our resources? Think about it. If our students here had to deal with half the things students in other countries do--and I'm not even talking about physically or environmentally--we'd have parents at our throats 24/7. Just something to consider. Consider and pray about.

All of which is just to say that if you find me in Zimbabwe next year, you'll know why. . .

How Much?

Something I've been thinking about lately...

A strained, forced recitation of truth because "I ought to" rarely does much to convince anyone.

Neither does an argumentative, sarcastic debate. And really, even being given something out of pity can be offensive to many.

And few of those methodologies produce much action or growth on the part of the initiator. But . . . even I (infamously private about the things I'm passionate about) will tell someone about the things I can't imagine living without, how they make my life 200% better. And telling someone about how good those things are, well, it makes me want to go spend more time doing them, too.

How long before I will let myself love Jesus enough that I can't imagine life without Him?

And love Him enough that He's something I can't imagine anyone else living life without?

[Pre-]Teacher Diaries: Last Year

Well it is the last semester of regular classes.

Next semester is student teaching.

Coming up so fast!

This semester for some reason is being super hard. I think a combination of senioritis and hard classes and still trying to make friends in a new group.

But you know what, He is still there. And every day He finds some way to remind me: This is not where you are to stay. This is only a step in the road.

And even if I have no earthly clue what is going to happen after this year? That's okay. 'Cause He's got it.

So, one day at a time! I am off to read more classical education theory, write P.E. lesson plans, and get ready for Remediating Reading Difficulties!

Missed

It's dinnertime, and everyone gathers together to eat. Around the old, well-used table they sit, happy to be done with another day, perhaps laughing over an inside family joke, perhaps sighing in relief to be home. Home where each belongs, where each is valued more deeply than anything else. Home--in its truest sense--is one strong word.

Chairs fill as they gather and everyone is here. But...not everyone is here. A chair is empty. Barren. A hole in the circle 'round the table. And the mood saddens a little as each realizes that the circle is incomplete.

The family's incomplete when one is missing. Even if it's just for a day, just for a meal.

But when they're missing for years? For decades? That's years and decades worse.

Could it be--I think it is--that every day there are empty spaces around a big well-used table where we belong? And that every day the rest of the family's mood saddens a little because the circle's incomplete?

"And the Spirit and the bride say 'Come!'...He who testifies to these things says, 'Surely I am coming quickly.'" (Rev. 22:16, 20)

You are missed. I am missed.

Every day we're here, and not there. There, where we belong. There, where everyone was meant to belong.

It's almost time to go home. May we each want to go home, to our real home, forever!

Welcome

Perhaps you know the feeling too...

We walk into one home--a simple, tiny, rented house of three college-age roommates--and we all plop down on the old couch, or crowd into the kitchen to provide an overabundance of cooks and fruit-and-veggie-choppers, and everyone chats with everyone else, and even I (a bit shy in new groups) feel like I've found my second family. Welcome.

We walk into another home--a bigger, family-owned house, with redone kitchen and furnishings new and sparkly--and people hover around the edges, eventually sit down in a friend-group here, a friend-group there, and "family" is a thing reserved for those already in, not extended to the new ones. Not so welcome.

The point of these little stories?

It's the people that make the welcome.

And people with His heart give the best welcomes.

Father, please give me Your heart for all your children--old and young--to love them and welcome them into Your kingdom!