Heart Changes

Last week we taught a lesson plan, two other classmates and I.

It was an awesome lesson plan, and it went near perfectly, but the big thing that really happened was that I realized something major, something I have been struggling with ever since I started the education program.

I AM called to kids. 

I haven't been sure of that for three years--now, I am. And right now, those "kids" equal teaching. I am so grateful to know that. But someday? Well...

Tonight I am reading this article, and it was written two days ago and I haven't read it yet because too busy. Or maybe because God let me wait. Because I couldn't have read it at a better time. I'm trying not to cry.

I want that. I want those kids. I want overseas again. I love it--so much I love it.

I have no earthly idea how it will ever work out. I have big responsibilities here--I have a horse, for goodness' sakes--how am I ever going to get to Guatemala--or Peru--or Dominican Republic--or China--or Ireland--or Taiwan--or--

I don't know. But I know God's got a plan, and He's putting it back on my heart right now, and the best way to get me to do something for the long haul is to take me away from it a while and then head me back into it. I don't know if that's what He's doing right now, or if He's just trying to get my focus back where it needs to be here.

Heart changes are tough. But right now, it's also the proverbial cold water on a hot day.

On Adaptability

Last Thursday I found out I can't go to Guatemala.  They want a male SM.  Probably because of political/drug trafficking issues.  Well I am not a male and don't plan to be one any time in the foreseeable future.  So scratch that.

Dominican Republic wants fluent Spanish.  What is "fluent"?  Does it mean I talk like a native or does it mean I can mostly understand when people speak to me? 

El Salvador is still open but other reports say they don't know what the project (still comparatively new) is going to end up doing; more political issues. 

My SM coordinator says she will contact other organizations but . . . honestly, I have seen and heard and watched enough, I don't want to go with just anybody.  I want to at least have half an idea of what I'm getting into. 

They say the qualifications for a missionary are adaptability, adaptability, and adaptability.  But (as everyone, I think, wonders at one time or another), adaptable to WHAT?  I refuse to be "adaptable" to people's whims.  But I want to always be adaptable to God's ideas.  How am I supposed to tell the difference? 

I know God has called me . . . but to what exactly?  I'm beginning to believe He's called me to be a teacher . . . but who? where? when? even what? Elementary or high school or college?  Stateside (which state?) or overseas?  Rural or urban or suburban?  Private or public? Teacher's aide or SM now or professional teacher later? English or foreign languages or all of everything?

So confused.

But I know He has a plan.

He has a plan.

He. has. a. plan.

And I will know when the time is right.

All the Children of the World...

"Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
All are precious in His sight.
Jesus loves the little children of the world."

I'm thinking tonight how strange it is that, growing up, my favorite song was "All the Children of the World."  Granted, some of it was because I could never figure out what race a "yellow" child belonged to. . . I knew Native Americans used to be called "red men," and I knew I was white and there were other people who were black, but yellow?  I'd never seen a person whose skin tone was anything close to yellow!

The really amusing thing is that I grew up on the West Coast of California, in Pacific Union College, around hundreds of Asian students.  The joys of being a child and hardly recognizing race!  (I still haven't seen a healthy person whose skin I would really call yellow!)

I guess that would still be my favorite Christian kids' song, though.  Partly because I've grown up to love kids, and partly because I've grown up to love cultures and races and different people groups.  I wonder if God put that in my heart from the very beginning.  I wonder how He's going to use it now!

A Beginning?

Almost two years ago I went to Peru.

That was a life-changing trip.  I decided I wanted to go back, one way or another, someday (if, of course, God guided me there).

Last summer I had the opportunity.  Or at least, I thought I did.  It was the perfect place, the perfect slot for my abilities, multi-media work for a nonprofit organization--exactly what I wanted to do with my life.

But it didn't work.  God closed the door quite firmly.

Then, in the middle of this school year, I had another opportunity.  Even better, for my new major of elementary education--teaching school, using my Spanish skills, similar place to the one I knew I loved, still in Peru.

That didn't work either.  Another door in my face.

Finally I made a last e-mail to another organization--one with no roots in Peru whatsoever--telling God that "this would be a really easy door for You to shut," just in case He didn't realize that.  I didn't really want to go there, not because I thought it was a bad organization or because I didn't think I'd like the work; just because I'd decided I didn't want to go anywhere next year.

They e-mailed back.  I could go to the Dominican Republic, Guatemala, or El Salvador.  Now applications are flying and forms passed out and things are moving.  And I'm scared.  If this is a beginning, what am I starting?

I talked to a dear TCK friend today and asked what they thought.  "Pray about it," they said, "and God will work out the details."

Good reminder.  If God doesn't want me in Guatemala (my current first choice), then He's already shown that He can close the doors.  If He does want me there, I don't want to be anywhere else!