I Hast Returned :)

At least for the moment!  School is starting on Thursday and I'm gearing up for it, buying a few last books, checking my schedules, looking at syllabi, transferring assignments into my "keep-everything-in-one-place-book" a.k.a. "external brain" a.k.a. planner, working, praying and planning for the small group we're continuing, riding, and trying not to go crazy. 

That last task is the most difficult.  ;)  But today it was like God impressed me, "Hey, you can't even make yourself grow six inches taller by worrying; why don't you give up on a hopeless task and let Me handle all this?" 

Oooohhhh yeeahhhh.  I remember that...really...

I can plan.  And I'm getting pretty good at planning, if I say so myself.  But planning alone isn't going to eliminate the stress from my life.  And stressed people are not "all there."  If I'm stressed out, I'm not
*a good person to live around
*inspiring
*open
*happy
*available for other people
*able to listen to God.

What's more, everyone and their dog (and I think I mean that literally!) is stressed these days.  I think maybe a great way to witness for God is to have a full life (guided by Him in its content), but not be all worried and hyper-stressed about it.  For sure, being that way is something only He can work in us!

So with that inspiring, impossible thought (but remember, God specializes in the impossible!), I am off to get ready for small group tonight.  :)

(butterfly and wild bee-balm in Tennessee)

  

So there is a simple reason for my lack of posts.

Lack of inspiration.

Sometimes things just struggle to be inspirational.  And for those of us who live on passion and inspiration, that can be a little difficult.

But God is still very much alive, very much at work, very active, despite me. I just pray that He will open my eyes to see His actions. 

Reflections on Missions

Seven months ago I prayed. 

I asked God to send me wherever He wanted me to go. 

I thought that would mean going overseas this coming school year.  That's where I wanted to go.  I even had the particular area of the world (and preferably country) all mapped out.

Guess where I am?  Right here, same country, same state, same town, same house, same school--happier than I ever imagined I could be.  He sent me half an hour away, then decreased the distance a bit further for the long-term, and said, in effect, "You want a mission field?  Here, have one that nobody else thinks about, that nobody else cares about, and that you are going to love."

I still remember the day.  Really?  This?  God, You are AWESOME! 

A lot of people seem to worry God will "send them to Africa."  Well I was the opposite.  I worried He'd keep me in the States.  Now I'm delighted with the thought of staying here indefinitely. 

What I want to say is?  

God's will isn't always the one and only thing you don't want to do.  Sometimes He will work on those areas outright, and it will be difficult.  Sometimes, if you give Him permission, He'll change your heart so it isn't quite so difficult as you thought it would be.  I'm not saying there won't be tough times.  Absolutely there will.  But why do we seem to assume that God loves to "torture" us with difficult experiences, and throws them at us whenever He can?  

Wind

(Wyoming prairie)

Wind blows away
Here and there
Where it will
Rustles leaves
Whispers grass

And so am I
if I am walking
in the way
He's given me

I do not choose
I do not plan
I do not set the way
I simply go

Go gently
Go strongly
And maybe nobody ever knows
where I come from
where I'm going

Like the
wind blows.

"'The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes.  So is everyone who is born of the Spirit.'"  John 3:8

(extra) ordinary

Ordinary. . . that's what life is.

usually.

It's studying U.S. History to try to CLEP a class, plugging information into a database, searching for seemingly nonexistent information in said database, sending letters, shaking off umbrellas, delivering mail, working out, going to bed, getting up, trying to stalk the sticky-note trail to remember where you left off yesterday. 

(sticky notes save my sanity and the sanity of everybody around me, but when they're almost everywhere, it's hard to remember what's really going on here.) 

But, what if we were not just ordinary?
What if we were extra? 

We have extra--our God gives us the resources of the universe if we will only ask.  But common sense and everything in nature tells us that extra is meant to be used.   Our having extra means

we can give extra
we can love extra
we can be extra

Extraordinary. 

wisdom

(lupine in Wyoming)

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." (Jim Elliot)

What am I giving up today?  What are you giving up?  Is it what we think of usually--money, time, maybe the thrill of an in-and-out relationship or the prestige of a well-paying future (or current) career?  Or is it something more common--

pride of thinking you're better than another

choice to go where you know God hasn't called

old hurts

refusal to accept God's grace and forgiveness as meant for you

fill in the blank

Yet, what are we gaining?  

These things we hold onto, they will disappear.

What He offers, just for the taking, it stays forever.  

Forever.  

Only a fool says no to that. 

my vision

(Tennessee wildflowers)

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night;
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my Light.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise;
Thou my inheritance, now and always.
Thou and Thou only first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art.

Now and always, You be my vision, the source of my dreams, the Lord of my heart. 

heart

(image via Google, design mine)

it's always an unlikely time when truth hits home.  This time, it comes as I'm sitting in sun-spotted shade atop a big dapple-gray mustang, joining my riding buddy in good-naturedly trying to persuade our instructor to vow she'll never leave our area. 

"aw," she says, "but my husband's cousins live there.  And..." she pauses and glances at me, "well your family, I haven't seen them much, but they seem to really be a family.  But you," looking at my new friend, "yours...you know, it's like mine.  And they [the cousins] really are family.  And it would just be fun to be part of that, you know..."

she goes on and I listen and it's not like she is really scarred, just opportunistic as always.  But me...another matter.  That night I go home and I'm angry.  It's strange to feel angry; I'm usually anything but simply mad.  But now I am.  It's not fair.  It's not fair that I have a "real" family and she doesn't.  It's not fair that I have a "real" family and my other friends don't. 

God, it's not fair!  Why?  I'm no better than they are!  

the heaven is quiet.  I watch a movie Monday night.  Courageous.   A great Christian movie and a great story line, but just one part stands out to me above all the rest: the brief gang initiation scene.  There more to give a quick background than anything else.  And I find myself crying.  Because I know this scene isn't for real, but suddenly I'm thinking about the kids who don't have "real" family and more often than not, this is what comes out of it.  What about the kids whose family never bothered to care about anybody other than themselves?  What about them? 

God, why must your children suffer?  WHY?  

"I would stop it if I would," He whispers.  If it were the best thing.  If stopping it would stop it for good.  But that doesn't work.  He showed that to us in the Flood, that just eliminating the problem-makers doesn't solve things long-term.  Someday we will have all chosen, and then sin can be done away with.  Safely.  In the meantime...

i see a glimpse of His heart.  And I see a decision I must make.  To back away is unthinkable.  So I choose to go.  To give heart with no guarantee back.  To touch other lives. 

so.  starting full-time work for which I am very blessed and grateful, and I like the job and the people I'm working for/with.  But for a somewhat ADD individual, working 8 to 5 in an office, well it do take some gettin' used to.  :) 

riding still and loving it more and more.  Thoroughly, thoroughly addicted.  I'm quite sure I love it more now than I ever did as a horse-crazy preteen.  And that is pretty bad.  And I'm delightedly happy that way, just in case you wondered.

going to go on vacation in ten days exactly.  Fun times.  I just hope I remember to tell everyone who needs to know, before I disappear off the face of the known earth. . .

i'm thinking of a more thoughtful post.  Honestly.  Just not sure how to put it yet.  But in the meantime thought I'd say I am not dead :)

Random Inspiration from Finals

On a further random note, this is my 100th post!

Could it be You make Your presence known
So often by Your absence?
Could it be that questions tell us more
Than answers ever do?
Could it be that You would really rather die
Than live without us?
Could it be the only answer that means anything is You?
--"Could It Be" by Michael Card

I love his music.  Know it's old, I don't care.  :)  Good is good no matter when it was created. 

"Some trust in chariots,
and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God."
--Psalm 20:7

Might seem this applies to finals.  Well it does, but really it hit me yesterday evening for a different reason, which perhaps someday I'll find the time to explain.  Awesome verse either way.  :)

 Le finals, they are done.  Walked home after donating my books (because I couldn't sell them, sigh), to a quick workout and shower and Bible study, so only now the reality of it's finally hitting me.  Only one more 4:15 morning and then a free week till I start my new job almost full-time for the summer!  No more classes till late July (I'm taking a summer class)!  Vacation in less than a month!

SO sososo sooo blessed I am!